drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
