I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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