Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
