Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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