Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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