I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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