He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I smell stomach acid.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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