True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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