I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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