SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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