he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
my liver is dry heaving
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
