I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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