He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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