I hate all girls vehemently.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize