I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
