margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
