I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
