i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
