Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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