glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
