just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
