can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
