martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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