I cannot find my penis.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
