and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
