rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
