when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Your cock deserves a montage
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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