The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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