can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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