How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
