Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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