I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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