theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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