I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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