i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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