Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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