dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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