The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
