Apparently you make a good broom.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
