dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
