Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
operation have a gay friend backfired
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
