FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
