He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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