You really coming over, don't trick.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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