Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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