You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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