We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
