I feel great
I just peed on a car
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
