The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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