I think my vagina is haunted
you traded sex for a burrito?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
