im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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