Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
