apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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